The Cult of Nice
February 10th, 2021
Wednesday
52 days until deadline
I was really angry today. I know how you shouldn’t hold a grudge, how being angry is just like drinking poison but hoping the other person would die. I understand all this with the rational part of my brain, yet it still functions by its own rules. So the point isn’t to eliminate anger but to discover these hidden rules so that you will have better strategies dealing with them in the future.
On Monday we were supposed to submit a project plan. It is a group project with two other teammates, but knowing they won’t do it from past experience, I took the liberty of submitting it on our behalf. Soon I was asked by teammates A if I could send him a PDF of the plan so he could send it to the client. I was angry because I did the work(which was not properly acknowledged) yet he would appear to be the one to get the credit. Even though I know he is a very nice guy and he is by no means that kind of person, the amount of anger I experienced really surprised me because it contained pain from the past that I couldn’t exactly pinpoint, but can only be felt as a weight on my chest, a looming shadow without a form.
Junior year in college I went to the house of my friend on long island during Thanksgiving. It was a beautiful home, and I helped out in the kitchen, as one would do on such occasions. Upon knowing that I am the only child of the family, my friend’s mother was visibly shocked.
“You? An only child? But you are so nice and helpful!”
The implication, of course, is that all only-children in the world are supposed to be selfish and bratty. By being an exception to this rule, I must be an exemplary achievement of the best kind, a testament to the quality of my upbringing.
Truth be told, it was certainly not the first time I was complimented for being nice, though not all compliments are meant to be sincere. During a summer program in Italy as I was busy handling out napkins for the rest of the table, two blonde girls in my class started to giggle and said, “Hanson, you act like a waiter.” They were genuinely bemused, and as was I by their bemusement. It never occurred to me that it could be perceived as racist remarks, as I was informed by another Asian girl in the class later that night, for they might be laughing at the fact that an Asian person serving his friends with such fervent enthusiasm is not a reflection of my cultural conditioning but rather a performance to play with stereotypes.
In occasions like these, when my “nice” behaviours are not being complimented to my expectations, a bitterness would soon arise in me, like a child who is not getting the candy he was promised even though he had done all the homework. The metaphorical candy never came, which made me wonder, are you finishing your homework for the candy, or for the benefit of your own wellbeing? The answer might lie somewhere in between.
Upon sending out the email to the client myself and took this trip down memory lane, I had a better grip of my conditioning. It is time for me to leave the Cult of Nice.
Why is it a cult, you ask? Because I joined with the false belief that being nice would lead me to love and salvation, just like all these poor people in other cults who were told that by following specific doctrines they will have the ultimate reward.
When being nice is not a part of your existence but is only used as a strategy to get love, you will only end up worse than before. Even when you get the reward you desire, you will question the integrity of such love, because how could someone truly love you when you are putting on a performance of niceness? What happens when you are no longer “nice” and start to advocate for your needs without being afraid?
You are angry because his disregard for your work violated the imaginary rule of your cult: niceness will always be rewarded. That simply isn’t true. You will get taken advantage of. It will happen again.
The point isn’t to get rid of niceness altogether, but to set realistic expectations so that you won’t subconsciously deny your own needs just to make others like you, because chances are, you can be the nicest person in the world, and there will still be people out there who absolutely enjoy hating you. What you think you want(people’s love) is not what you really need(to live authentically and be accepted for being yourself). And the first step of being yourself is to express your needs. Try not to enjoy being self-sacrificial because you thought the reward would come later. You thought people would applaud for your kindness. That is an imaginary rule and not the reality. When you accept reality as it is and not as it should be, anger will have no place in your heart.
“Everyone knows that our habits are improved and strengthened through their exercise. In order to be a good walker, you need to walk a lot; in order to be a strong runner, you need to run frequently; in order to be a perceptive reader, you ought to read as much as you can. The same is true of your soul: if you become angry, you must know that you not only perform evil, but you also create an evil habit, and you increase your potential for further evil.”
– Epictetus
