Do the right thing

February 9th, 2021


53 days until deadline

I got another rejection today, from Sony this time. It was a working student position for Product Marketing for the Video and Audio department. I assumed that because of my background I would be a good fit, but clearly, I wasn’t. I was sad because I actually put a lot of effort into the application and I would like to know what exactly is my blind spot. Truth be told, I have only applied for 10 positions so far, and compared to most people who are looking for internships or working student positions, the number is almost laughably low. I feel ashamed for feeling sad. Isn’t getting rejected part of the process? I thought I would be tougher than this. But it still hurt, not gonna lie. All I can do is to focus on the next thing and make myself a more competitive candidate.

I went to a friend’s apartment this afternoon to talk about our creative work. She is working on a screenplay right now and so am I. We had a lot of discussions. I love the fact that she actually got a physical corkboard and printed out all the major beats on the scene cards to orient herself. I was doing the digital equivalent with Scrivener and it doesn’t feel the same. All that colors and textures. Then it occurred to me that at the core of any kind of creative endeavor is a sense of play. Moving scenes around, trying out different scenes, taking scenes away… This is why I fell in love with screenwriting in the first place, because it’s about exploration, and it’s about fun. But I have been resistant to having fun as if it is something to be ashamed of because it means you are not doing the real work.

Here’s the conundrum. I essentially enrolled in a business school in Berlin to pursue writing, and going to school is simply a way for me to find a job and stay here in order to do more writing. School is supposed to be a means to find a job, with the end goal of focusing on writing, yet it is taking over my real goal. Better yet, I have allowed this to happen, because the prospect of not being able to secure a job seems much more urgent, therefore warranting much more attention. I have enjoyed putting off writing with the excuse of focusing on my school work, and I end up failing at both, all because I am scared to pursue what I want to do.

So here we are, writing down these words on the internet, using actions to teach my fear that I am not afraid to show up, and I am tired of running away.

It also dawned on me last night that the project my screenplay is based on will never get released. It gave me a jolt of energy to continue, because I am now free from the fear that one day my work will come back and bite me in the ass. I am the only thing that is in the way.

We have to fulfill honestly and irreproachably the work destined for us. It does not matter whether we hope that we will become angels someday, or believe that we have originated from slugs.

– John Ruskin

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